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I'm schizophrenic.

Lights out forever. it's a long time. tiptoe dancing through the pumpkin patch. wind running through your twirling fingers. the plant stems begin to curl and so do my eyebrows. purple sparkles scatter and rush through the air. do you hear that fait sound up ahead?? it's chanting of smoke dancing. beating drums beating your heart. boom! there goes a shooting star. so it stops for a moment, it's the last one you'll see. you know your point of view is lifted, when you see your reflection in the mud puddle. with a bubbling stomach and your popped ears you charm on. skip twirling through the mountains and through the twisted melting trees. its so cold you're sweating, tears full of yellow green paint that splash purple and blue on your fathers shoes. dreaming of your body parts splitting the wind in two while you push through. your breathing smells of sugar coated lemon drops and your lips taste like rose. you stretch and feel the noise your skin makes. you fall off the pebbled park bench and the wood chips enter your skin. those red shoes scream at you from a 90 degree angle. you stand on your fingertips and shuffle through the weeds. the dust is red, and so is your nose extending through your mind.
what's not to come
what's not to come through
what's not going to come through with it.
what's not to come through
what's not to come.
vision
vizion.
envizionyou.

Getting into your own art.

Corner of your heart.

Everything is okay, thank you.
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, And that enables you to laugh at life's realities.”

I can't concentrate today.
I guess being drunk two nights in a row isn't helping much..

Last night I went to the "Why?" concert.
I don't know what concerts do to my body and mind, but it just drives me to live my life completely through music.
I just want to play music.. all the time..
I've been having the best musical experiences lately, just SO many opportunities to play with others..
It's a sign! I must start playing more! :)

No new news I guess.. I'm moving into the blue house with Devon and this boy named Chris.
Chris has a drum set! Chris plays music! OH! Ask me if I'm excited!
My good friend Kalin and I made this great experimental song.. Actually, we're stilll working on it, but it's turning out great!
We've spent 10 hours already recording this song..

I love this life right now.
I love everyone in it.
I could use a lot more of people though..

Hayley knows who I am, even though I'm feeling very grounded right now:

I am going away for a while
I'll be back don't try and follow me
I'll return as soon as possible
See I'm tryin' to find my place
It might not be here where I feel safe
We all learn to make mistakes,

And run from them
From them
With no direction
We'll run from them
From them
With no direction

I'm just one of those ghosts
Traveling endlessly
Don't need no road
In fact they follow me
And we just go in circles

Now I'm told that this is life
Pain is just a simple compromise
So we can we get what we want out of it
Someone care to classify
Broken hearts and twisted minds
So i can find, someone to rely on,

And run to them
to them
Full speed ahead
Oh you are not
Useless
We are just

Misguided ghosts
Traveling endlessly
The ones we trusted the most
Pushed us far away
And there's no one role
We should not be the same
I'm just a ghost
And still they echo me
They echo me in circles.

This room has fallen asleep.

Cigarette, coffee, blog.. I could get used to this..
The economy has shot my hours at work down and it's fall break.
I have the day off from school AND work. I don't know what to do!
But it feels great because I've been wanting to do nothing for a long time..
Time away from work makes me appreciate it even more. Last night I had to close, but it's okay because I had Sarah and other fun people to dance the night away with.

I've been complimenting so many people lately and it's pretty fun! I just hope they don't hear me compliment another person so they don't think it's sincere. But! There is so much beauty in people..
I love saying hi to people that come into my work, because you can tell some people don't really go out and when you actually acknowledge them, they beam or they shy away.. It's cute though because sometimes you get into conversation and you learn a lot about people's emotions and personality.
People are SO interesting to me.

It's funny because I had so much to write about this morning, when I was walking into my house ideas were just flooding me.. I guess I couldn't get to my computer in time..
My parents have been out of town, so Devon and I have been taking advantage of a bed and a fridge.
We're usually cramped onto a twin sized bed, shivering all night, or sweating profusely.
Here's a rant,
Devon dyed her hair yesterday.. white. It looks SO amazing! I've been wanting to do something new to my body too.. Like a new piercing or something.. I don't want to cut my hair cause I'm losing it, so I'm trying to keep as much strands on my head as I can. I knew I was going to have problems in my life, but I didn't know balding was going to be one. haha It's okay, I'll just look like an adult baby..

On another note, I've been obsessed with elle's pictures lately. Jamie King is beautiful. When I become well known for music, I hope someone will ask me to do photo shoots like this:

inspiration

"Tell yourself that you are healthy and balanced, and energy will come."
Thank you Alandra, happy travels, I'll be writing you soon. :)

It's too early to be writing, but it's such a beautiful morning.
My thoughts are ridiculous today. It brings me back to this time two years ago.
I had just got my wisdom teeth out and I was very sick, but there was so much love.
I miss it. I miss people I have lost. Due to me or due to you, I'm not sure yet..
There has been lots of time to think and lots of time to understand. Now my thoughts are haunting me.
"I want to see you. I probably won't. I want to feel you. You probably don't." -My friend Hannah

It's so great to change, and so great is the change.
I feel more humble and self reserved.
I think before I speak, and I think before I act.
Life is a big wave and I just let the current take me where it needs me to be.
I'm here, I'm alive, and I am comfortable. Maybe too comfortable.
Laying here in a log bed with the sun in my eyes.. too many cigarettes and coffee in my blood.

I think it's time I find more passion in the things I do.
More time for music and more time for writing..
I don't want to lose the things I admire about myself.
I will not let work and school overwhelm me anymore, because that feeling is a waste of time.

I've been thinking about grudges lately and how pointless they are.
A lot of people learn by experience not stories, I'm one of them.
I follow my heart a little too much not realizing the outcome..
I was reading a magazine the other day when this quote came along:
"I've had few arguments with people, but I never carry a grudge. You know why? While you're carrying a grudge, they're out dancing." -Buddy Hackett

This song is on repeat in my head and in my room:
Try not to watch the cheesy video haha (and of course it's a lesbian movie.. jeez)

Sunset Eyes

AH! It's a new season.
The highlight of my morning was brushing off the dust from the old sweater box.
I feel like a new season is like a new year. I see new perspectives, new goals, new friends, and a new life!
I love the changing of the leaves and the cleanse of the air. Doesn't that make you want the same?
Here are some pictures of Utah rain:




Also! This is a section of mine and Jakes jamming session. :)
Pure improv.

not all bad

AH! I'm getting older!
I've been throwing my past out of my Oregon trail handcart and moving on down my dusty road.
Lately I've been losing people who are close to me, but I learned that when you lose people, you gain twice as many..
I've met the most BEAUTIFUL people lately and have made some amazing friends.
Where have I found these people? I don't know! It seems like it's fate.. going to the same concerts, running into me at work, randomly saying hi to people I don't know.. It's so rejuvenating!
On the other hand, I've been slacking a lot in school.. I just don't find a bit of intrest in ANY of my classes.
I'm broke.
I'm homeless.
But you know? I've learned a lot about myself and I feel beautiful.
I live in such a beautiful state. I'm so glad I'm from Utah, I love the shelter, I love the hidden treasures, and I love the talent.
It feels so nice to walk down streets and to see regular faces.
Next year I am moving though, where? I don't know.. but I do know it's the east coast.
WATER! I need to live by more water.
Enough about me!
Devon is beautiful as always and is letting me squat for a bit until I can find my own place. She's SO smart. She's a sterling scholar in art.. can you believe it? SHE likes ME! ...? I know huh? We're healthy and happy human beings, and we've been dreaming so vividly lately. Dreaming in our sleep and reality. She's breathtaking.
Last weekend Devon and I drove down to Provo and saw my long time friend Becky and her boyfriend Jake in their new place. So, so cute and warm! We went for a drive and played music all night. :) Jake and I made some pretty incredible music. Becky is going to post it on Youtube because we filmed pretty much the whole night! I can't wait to jam again!

Other than the everyday coffee and sleep, I just go to school and work.
Work has been nice because we got in the new Jay-z album, and I have to say.. I love it!
oh rap.. what crap.
All I have to say is, Beyonce and Jay-z better have some kids goddamnit!

I love you and goodnight.

I'll feed my guests bark and leaves.

shoot.
what an adventure.
life.
life.
life.

I don't know where to go from here.. any ideas?
school, fall in love, have a family..
how cliche.

I want to do something larger than life. I mean, yes... I do want cliche things in life.
But sometimes I guess I just wish there was a world of real make believe.

A world of real traveling gnome's who smoke out of a pipe and blow out heart smoke rings.
A world where things have a lot more glitter and shine.
What if purple was the new green? What if the grass bubbled?
What if trees naturally produced light?

I wish, I wish, I wish.
I guess I do live in my own world.
I realized I can't stay in one place for very long.
I'm always wondering and exploring..
But I like it that way. I like feeling free!
My mom says that's not real "life".

If I can't be me in "real" life than what the hell am I doing here?
I probably sound like a 16 year old..
But I hate growing up!! My birthday is in a month.
Its my last year with "teen" in my name.
... barnacles.

Raw Meat

I cried.
I laughed.
I exposed myself to the past.
I danced.
I fell.
I put on more make up on than I should've.

...I have never felt more like me than right now...

I could text my cat.
Cramps feel like kisses.
I saw the moon more.
Feet smelt like cotton candy.
There was such thing as a day off together.
Money was as thick as marshmallows.
Baby's were born talking.
Sunglasses were a mandatory item to wear, and shoes were not.
Coffee was the price of m&m's
I could be a cocorosie sister.

wow! Its been forever since I've updated this.

WELL!
here it isss...
I now live in good ol' San FRAN!
Its great. I live here with my girlfriend Chloe (we've been dating on and off for 2 years)
and I thought it was funny when I looked back at my old pictures and it was of me and kayla.. geee..
My blog literally has an inch of dust I need to brush off!

SOOO..
I'm going to school again soon..
Music producing because I'm a nerd and can't get my hands off music. (ooh lala! ;))
and I practically work every day... evverryy dayyy I work at that UO.. urban. (how cliche)
BUT I'm having the time of my life.
I don't really get to go out too much because I'm always too tired when I get home from my long hours at work,
orrr Chloe is from her long days at work.. :(
I went out dancing the other night though at some gay club in the middle of no where and I had a blast.
They had awesome music and Chanel *spelling?* from RuPauls drag race was there!
EEEEEEEE!!! She was so great.. Even iiiiiii can't look that good with a gallon of make up, and I'm a girl!
He was beautiful. I don't think I've EVER been that attracted to a man.

anyways... continuing onnn..
SO Chloe, her friend Tiffany, and I went to the BFD concert!
Basically what that is a huuugee music festival! with THOUSANDS of people!
I really never thought it was possible for all those people to fit in that small area!
anyways, we watched Metric, and the Yeah Yeah Yeah's play! AH!!!! It was a dream come true!
Crystal Castles was there also but we had to catch the last train home so we couldn't see them. :(
But I met Alice Glass because she was by my work.. okay, not so much MET but I SAW her! ahh! I wish I could have said something..

Oh! I got a kittie! :D
Her name is Tillie and Chloe and I rescued her.. I'll post pictures! SO cute. sooo much fun!

I have some goals for the next 4-6 months:
-Buy a guitar
-Buy recording software
-Find a dentist
-get a haircut
-buy tickets for Kathy Griffin show and Fever Ray concert.
-fly home before my b-day

...We'll see how this goes!
I love you all!! xoxoxo